Stop me if this sounds familiar.

There’s a princess frolicking in the forest. A prince from a faraway kingdom spots her and is immediately enamored–bursting into song and declaring she is ‘the one.’

*trouble, mischief, and conflict ensues keeping them apart*

The prince saves the princess, they get married, and live happily ever after.

[insert Disney gif]

Of course, that’s familiar! It’s the classic fairytale love story. Two young, attractive folks magnetically drawn to one another get married at the end of the story. Even movies that call out this overdone narrative like ‘Shrek’ and ‘Frozen’ still succumb to its compelling conclusion–love happens when you meet that specific person fate deems you should marry.

But we’re Christian. We are promised free will, not fate!

When I was in the dating game, this narrative was maddening.

I puzzled over the big useless question these narratives encouraged me to constantly ask myself:

“Is he the one?”

Before Christ, marriage was not a sacrament. 

under the law  of  nature [after the Fall]  we  read  of many  of the ancient Patriarchs that they had several  wives at  the same time; while under the Law of Moses it was permissible, should  cause exist, to  repudiate one’s wife  by  giving  her a bill  of  divorce. Both  these (concessions) have  been  suppressed  by  the  law of  the  Gospel, and  marriage  has  been  restored  to its original state [1].

The nation of Israel did not have sacramental marriages like Christians do today. They (lawfully) took multiple wives whom men could divorce.

The more modern marital ideals of chemistry, chivalrous romance, and ‘the one’ would fall on deaf ears in a culture that still regularly married off their daughters for political or financial gain.

So what’s changed?

Marriage is a lifelong bond. It is the Sacrament of Matrimony–indissoluble, full of graces for each spouse, and ordained as a vocation by God.

Jesus teaches:

“Every one that putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and he that marrieth her that is put away from her husband, committeth adultery” (Lk. 16:18).

Christ gives us a new kind of union set up for fidelity and forgiveness because He is well aware of our sinful nature! He wants us to commit to marriage. Not choose someone ‘okay’ for the sake of bearing heirs. To choose someone we’ll sacrifice for and who will lead us to heaven.

COMMITMENT IS KEY

Modern sensibilities and tradition dictate that we put a lot of consideration and care into choosing our spouse–to have and to hold until death do we part!

This discernment is wise. The folly is when people discern not to marry someone well-suited for them because they aren’t a frolicking, singing, cleaning machine!

The Sacrament of Matrimony is a lifelong commitment to another sinful human being. If you make that covenant expecting rainbows and sprinkles the whole time, you’ve got a surprise headed your way!

Instead, those discerning marriage need to acknowledge the change Christ made in marriage. In the New Covenant, marriage mirrors Christ and His Church. The marital relationship will face hardship. But the spouses will forgive one another and reunite in love.

A good starting place for discernment is the basics:

• Ability: Is this person single and ready to date? Would you be willing to take on all of their baggage / sacrifice for them in marriage (including student loans, past wounds, etc)?
• Friendship: Do you enjoy being around each other?
• Suitability: Can you have conversations on the same level? Can you disagree without hating one another?
• Chemistry: Are you sexually attracted to the other person? Do you both acknowledge and respect the marital embrace and all of the blessings that pour from it?

God Gives You A Choice

Catholic marriages must be entered as free, full, faithful, and fruitful:

The married couple forms ‘the intimate partnership of life and love established by the Creator and governed by his laws; it is rooted in the conjugal covenant, that is, in their irrevocable personal consent.’ Both give themselves definitively and totally to one another. They are no longer two; from now on they form one flesh. The covenant they freely contracted imposes on the spouses the obligation to preserve it as unique and indissoluble. ‘What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder’ [2]

Remember: No matter how physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually compatible you are with your beloved, they likely are not the only option out there for you.

God gives us options to choose from (not the illusion of choice). The idea of ‘the one’ muddies that decision by opening the door wide to doubts about another person’s imperfections. 

Reality check:

Did my husband check all the boxes before marriage? Nope. He wasn’t quite tall enough (among other things).

Did my husband check all of the meaningful boxes? Absolutely! He was a Catholic actively striving for God. He understood NFP and God’s design for our bodies in marriage (including being open to the grace of children!) We enjoyed similar hobbies and pastimes (especially important for both of us since music is a big part of our lives). And we both agreed that he would support the family so I could stay at home to fulfill my vocation as a wife and mother.

Here’s a post filled with questions to ask your significant other before getting married! 

10 Crucial Catholic Questions You Must Ask Before Marriage–Part 2

Instead of waving him off as a potential spouse because he was late to dates on occasion and wasn’t six feet tall, I recognized that he is a human being. He has flaws. (Quite a few less than me, actually!)

Single men and women search for a partner that perfectly aligns with themselves *before marriage.* This is an unattainable goal.

The wedded bliss seen in happily married couples grows *because* of the graces poured out through the Sacrament they share. Not before.

So, How To Decide Whether or Not To Marry Someone? 

1. Understand that it is a commitment. A daily decision to love, honor, and respect your spouse.

Once you’ve got that, 

2. ask yourself if your significant other checks all of the meaningful boxes.

If you notice a dealbreaker, break up with them. Get back on the market or enjoy a little bit of moral single livin’.

If they seem like a solid fit. . . propose to the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life! Don’t let fairytale notions of ‘the one’ perfect person spoil a marriage you are called to.

3. Not sure what to do? Check out Father Mike Schmitz’s video on Ascension Presents called: 4 Helpful Rules for Discernment. Make a decision based on God’s will:

1. Is this a lawful decision? (God has not already spoken out against it—sorry, no marrying your sister.)
2. Is this an open decision? (The “door” has not already been denied and you could actually walk through it.)
3. Is this a wise decision? (Think about the present. Will this marriage help me live the life and be the person God wants me to be?)
4. Is this a decision that I want? (Free will! Do I want to be with this person for the rest of my life?)

[1]: The Roman Catechism (pgs 112-115): chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/viewer.html?pdfurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.saintsbooks.net%2Fbooks%2FThe%2520Roman%2520Catechism.pdf&clen=1695286&chunk=true

[2]: Catechism of the Catholic Church – 2364